Keelhauled Into a Hurricane
by Lala to the power of 2
Summary: ."That's fine, you can go back to your own ship," Luffy dismissed easily. "But later on, when I become Pirate King, we're getting married!" The declaration held the kind of absolute finality that only Luffy could be capable of, and Law felt his jaw drop.
1. Chapter 1

Trafalgar Law had absolutely NO IDEA what he was getting into when he asked Mugiwara to ally with him. Just. None whatsoever. He had been trying to find someone trustworthy enough to help him without having to constantly watch his back, and had ended up strapping himself to the back of a warship and keelhauled into a fucking hurricane.

Monkey D Luffy was an unstoppable force of nature. He didn't listen to reason, or other people's opinions or... Being asked to hold still for two fucking seconds. He plowed through life full speed without looking and everything always worked out for him anyway. It was honestly frustrating to be a part of.

And Law WAS a part of it. Because Luffy had decided they were FRIENDS, and NOTHING LAW SAID MATTERED. Nothing Law said to him EVER mattered. But hell, at least nothing ANYONE said to him did, so it's not like Law was getting treated worse than anyone else Luffy was "friends" with.

But still, it made being trapped on a tiny boat with the guy and eight crew members so brow-beaten by Luffy's insanity they agree to his every whim a little... _Exhausting_ was a mild way to put it.

Law tried to keep to himself, for the most part. He found a decent spot on the deck to camp out, and had already been given free reign of the library, which he took regular advantage of, partly due to its consistent quietness. Right now, though, he was there to take advantage of Dr. Tony Tony's generosity, reading a medical textbook he'd not previously encountered. He didn't know how much longer he'd be on the Sunny before he reunited with his own crew, and it only made sense to use the time well.

Another thing he liked about the library was the fact that it was one of the few rooms aboard the ship that her captain had no interest in whatsoever. While Law could admit Luffy had certain charms, he generally found it wisest to spend little time with him. Luffy was simply... _overwhelming_.

"Ah, there you are, Torao! I've been looking for you!" Which was of course, the Strawhat's cue. Law closed his book with a sigh as Luffy launched himself into his lap with enough force to knock Law's hat off his head, nearly toppling them both over in the chair.

This was no longer a surprise. Over the course of this trip, the doctor had seen Luffy sprawled across or perched in any number of his crewmate's bodies, and had since been here long enough to have stopped attempting the impossible task of dislodging the other captain. Apparently, this was something Luffy just sort of DID to people he liked.

"Any particular reason you were looking for me?" Law asked, attempting to at least sit up with Luffy wrapped around him.

"I was bored," Luffy stated simply. "And when I didn't see you on the deck I figured you were off by yourself somewhere like a loser, and figured I'd keep you company!" He finished with a laugh, settling more comfortably into Law's lap. With a sigh, Law knocked Luffy's straw hat off onto the floor so that he could see his book around the Strawhat's head.

"So, what are you reading?" Luffy asked, round eyes staring up at him. Law preferred not to look at them. Looking Luffy in the eye had dangerous consequences, like actually starting to listen to him.

"'Tropical Diseases of the South Blue,'" Law recited.

Luffy made a vaguely impressed-sounding noise. "That sounds pretty dull."

"On the contrary, it's quite fascinating," Law said easily. "And more importantly, it's on a subject I'm weak on. It would be remiss of me as a doctor not to brush up while I have the chance."

Luffy beamed at him. "Torao's a really great guy," he snickered.

Law frowned. "I'm really not."

"Sure you are! You've never been anything but awesome since we met, you know!" the other captain argued sunnily. "You've saved my life, and plenty of other lives along the way. And even right now, you're learning how to save even more lives!"

Trafalgar barely resisted the urge to sigh. "Only because I'd be a failure as a doctor if one of my crew members caught one of these diseases and I couldn't treat them."

Luffy couldn't be daunted. "Well, sure, but if you were on an island and you ran into to someone sick, you'd treat them wouldn't you?"

"If I ran into them, but I'm not going to go out of my way to save anybody," Law said in attempt to dismiss him.

Luffy only shrugged this off. "Well, duh, we're still pirates. Even I've never gone out of my way to help a stranger."

Law just stared at him, one eyebrow raised challengingly.

"Well, I've never done anything I didn't WANT to, anyway," the small captain amended.

"That I can believe," Law agreed, giving up and closing his book to look at Luffy. Luffy grinned in response, a bright and irritatingly cute expression that made Law want to pinch his cheek. Instead, he just flicked at his forehead and leaned back in the comfortable chair.

"You're one of those people that got their devil fruit powers on accident because they had no idea what you were eating, aren't you?" Law observed casually.

"Sure am!" the rubber boy confirmed, and Trafalgar swore he could see pride in that fact.

"Of course you are. I can't imagine anyone choosing the Gum-Gum fruit intentionally, much less making it as far as you have with such a bizarre power. When I heard about it seemed like one of the most useless powers imaginable, but here you are tearing through the New World with it," Law observed, genuine amusement in his voice.

"Well yeah," Luffy said, like the whole thing was obvious. "I could have been born in the body of a gerbil and I'd still become King of the Pirates," he stated plainly.

And Law couldn't help it. He had all ready burst into laughter before he knew what was happening. "Of course you would!" he said through his chuckles, and when he opened his eyes again the expression on Luffy's face made his heart stop for just a moment.

He had a dangerous looks on his face, the kind Law tried not to see too much of because they DID things to him. His eyes were wide and shining, and there was a red splash blush spreading from one ear to the other, and his mouth was opened just a little bit like he had been about to say something before he'd seen something amazing and the words were lost. It was the kind of look that made Law want to do things, like... Slap himself.

And then Luffy broke into a smile, huge and radiant and terrifying, and said "Uwaaai, Torao's so handsome! I don't think I've ever heard you laugh like that!" He leaned back away from Law so suddenly that the doctor had to brace a steadying hand on Luffy's side to keep him from falling off of his lap and toppling to the floor. The gesture only made Luffy grin harder, his face still flushed a charming bright pink. "That's it! I've decided!"

Law's eyebrows drew together. "Decided what?"

"Decided on you," he declared decisively. "I'm definitely keeping you!"

The surgeon groaned, swiping a frustrated hand down his own face. "Oh for fuck's sake - you can't KEEP me, Luffy, I have my own crew."

"That's fine, you can go back to your own ship," Luffy dismissed easily. "But later on, when I become Pirate King, we're getting married!" The declaration held the kind of absolute finality that only Luffy could be capable of, and Law felt his jaw drop.

"I - what do - I can't even - _what?_"

The Strawhat only laughed. "Don't worry," he assured. "You'll see it my way eventually," he promised easily, shooting forward to plant a quick kiss on Law's cheek, leaping up off of his lap and grabbing his hat from the floor. His face was still red, but with the smile taking up half his face and bizarrely demure hunch of his shoulders, he just looked... like he was glowing.

Law didn't even notice he had stopped breathing until Luffy was out the door with a promise of "I'll see you at dinner, Torao! Don't hide in here too long!" when the air returned to his body.

And Law just sat there, slumped in his chair, dumbly thinking that Luffy was always, always right.

What the FUCK had he gotten himself into?


	2. Oh Lord Do I Have To Name These?

What greeted Law when he stepped out of the library was... unnerving. On the deck most of the crew was gathered – no, actually, the ENTIRE crew, sans Luffy – and they appeared to be casually playing cards or drinking tea or otherwise minding their own business normally. Except that when Law came into view, every single one turned to greet or acknowledge Law with a smile. All eight of them.

Law scowled at the lot "I hate this fucking ship."

"Aww, don't be like that," Nami cooed at him. "We just all wanted to congratulate you on your engagement!" she said with a grin.

"And to wish you luck of course," Sanji smirked.

"Since you'll need it," added Robin, and all of them laughed together like the whole thing was one big fucking joke.

Law groaned, rubbing at his eyes. "Every one of you is a terrible person. Including Chopper."

"EH!? Am I really?!"

"You're laughing too, aren't you?" Trafalgar had to scoff. "Can't any of you at least say something to him? This is ridiculous!"

Franky only chuckled. "Say what? It's not like Luffy's ever changed his mind about anything before."

"Yeah, once the captain's decided something, that's just how it is, no matter how insane it may be," Zoro shrugged. "So, if he says he wants to marry you, then. Weird and unlikely as it may seem now, eventually it's just gonna happen." The tone he used was the kind one would use to state simple, obvious facts, like whether or not it was currently raining all over your head.

"After all, this is pretty much the same as how he got any of us to join the crew, right?" Nami commented casually, and the others all nodded in assent. In unison, because they were assholes.

"Are you guys even serious?" Law deadpanned, and to his surprise, the look that Sanji gave him was in fact, one hundred percent free of humor.

"Absolutely. When I said I wouldn't join his crew, he destroyed half the restaurant I lived in in a pirate battle and got me fired from my job."

"I was part of a different pirate crew, had been since I was a little kid. So Luffy broke them up and got the captain arrested." Nami shrugged, like this was a normal way to get your navigator.

"I said-" Chopper stuttered. "I said I couldn't join, I said. That no one would accept me. And Luffy. He just shouted 'Get on the damned boat!' and... And I'm here. Because. Because it's Luffy, you know?"

The others all nodded sagely, like this made perfect sense. Usopp patted the reindeer on the head, and Brook took a drink of his tea.

"So. Get it?" Franky said, pointing his finger in the air and spinning it in a circle, which wasn't even a gesture Law recognized, much less could decipher the intent of. "For Luffy to decide something, it's the same as saying it's fate, you know?"

And when Law looked over the eight people sitting in front of him, he saw the same absolute certainty their captain had, even if lacking the resolve behind it. They were only making fun of him a little – for the most part, though? All of them were completely sure that Luffy would get his way in the end, and that the two of them getting, of all things, _gay pirate married_, was now an absolute inevitability.

"Well, what the ever-loving FUCK. _What_. What the fuck do I even do now?" Trafalgar Law was not flailing desperately. He was too cool for that. He just FELT like flailing desperately.

For a moment, the straw hat crew looked among themselves like that was actually a really good question.

And then Usopp gave him a thumbs up. "Good luck!" He declared, and the rest of the crew followed suit, giving Law a round of thumbs up and a chorus of "Good luck!"

"Oh, fuck every last one of you!"

–

Fortunately, it turned out the crew wasn't entirely without sympathies. Nico Robin was someone Law instinctively distrusted, but also someone he instinctively liked; she was strange and mysterious and morbid, and a bunch of other words people had also used to describe Law over the years. So when she invited him to join her on her favorite deck for afternoon tea (generously provided by who other than Sanji) the surgeon agreed fairly easily. Even feeling like he had to keep his guard up at all times, Robin was still one of the people on this ship Law would prefer to talk to.

Not knowing what to expect, he made himself comfortable in the little white chair across the table from her,taking a drink of the bitter black tea and waiting for something to happen. For now, though, the casual silence between the two of them was comfortable, and as Robin flipped through the pages of her novel, he felt himself relax without meaning to. Probing as her gaze may be, Nico Robin had a soothing presence, and Law was halfway through his tea and letting his thoughts drift idly before he realized the woman probably wasn't even going to say anything at all.

That. Was unexpectedly nice. The Thousand Sunny was a flurry of chaos and merriment that often overwhelmed Law, but right now... Right now, down on the deck, Luffy and Usopp were falling asleep with fishing rods in their hands, and Zoro was lifting weights with his teeth, and Brook was plucking absently at an acoustic guitar. Nami was inside drawing out maps, and Franky was tinkering with a robot, and Sanji was cooking dinner. Right now, everything was peaceful and quiet and Law... Law didn't feel like pulling out all his hair and tossing himself overboard. It was depressing that that was a sign of progress in his life.

He glanced back at Robin across the table from him, his gaze flickering down to her book as the curious thought of what she was actually reading breezed through his mind.

"Ah, I have that book," he said when he saw the title, before even realizing he had voiced the thought out loud.

Robin smiled. "I suppose I can't be surprised," she said. "If I were to guess you to read any kind of fiction, it would be horror." She smiled, "And the story of a mad doctor using body parts to create life does seem like it would be right up your alley, Mr. Surgeon of Death," she teased.

Law smirked. "Bringing the dead back to life holds no appeal, but the rest of the story I found somewhat inspiring."

She giggled in that soft, womanly way of hers. "I actually have a collection of classic horror stories I'm quite fond of, and out of them I think this one is my favorite. Something about beautiful peaceful days like this, puts me in the mood to read about abominations and moral ambiguity, you know?" The smile on her face was serene, and real, the kind of smile the strawhat crew wore often, but that Law had never really seen outside in the real world. "The best time to read about a dark and stormy night is when you can look outside at the sunshine, wouldn't you say?"

And Law didn't really have anything to say to that. His attention was caught by a bark of laughter down on the deck, looking over to see Usopp pulling an impressive fish out of the water as Luffy cheered, Zoro wandering over to praise the fish as looking "like dinner."

He turned back to Robin to see that she, too, had been caught by the commotion, and was still watching her nakama with her favorite Mona Lisa smile.

"You guys..." Law started, unable to quite articulate the thought. "Are really all happy here, huh?"

Robin leaned back in her chair again to look at him. "You know, I noticed the oddest phenomenon while I've been on this ship."

Law leaned into his arm rest, resting his face in one hand and raising an eyebrow to say "go on."

"As individuals, most of us on the crew aren't really prone to that much smiling or laughter. It's hard to get anyone alone on this ship, so it took a while to notice, actually, but it becomes more obvious when Luffy isn't around." The look on her face was more serious now, as if contemplating a question that one is idly aware has no real answer. "All of us are so much quieter without the captain, even with the rest of us all together. It's like all he has to do is be in the room and everyone … comes alive."

And the thing was? "I can absolutely believe that," Law said, looking back down at the members of the crew laughing around Usopp as a raised a fish slightly larger than the crew's doctor above his head triumphantly. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Robin move, but he didn't have to look to see what she had done. Two arms suddenly sprouted out of the fish's sides and started waving frantically, causing Usopp to yell out in horrified confusion and drop the flailing fish, which landed on it's new hands and scrambled towards the kitchen.

Down on deck the entire gathered crew was laughing, and when they heard a shout of "_WHAT THE SWEET FUCK?_" from Sanji even Law chuckled.

Luffy looked up at them then, probably to confirm Robin's location just in case the fish's arms had somehow not been her doing, and caught Law's eye. His cheeks puffed out and turned red, making him look rather like a squirrel, most likely at seeing that Law has indeed been caught smiling again. Geeze, wasn't he supposed to be nineteen? How and why could someone who was technically an adult look so cute? Nothing about Luffy made any sense at all.

"Toraoooo! Come down here, I wanna show you something!" Luffy shouted at him, and. And why not? Law was in a good mood, he could indulge the other captain a little. For once he didn't even feel like arguing, just meandered down to meet Luffy, who grabbed him by the arm to pull him towards the bow of the ship.

It quickly became apparent what Strawhat wanted, as he led the doctor to the figurehead and pushed him to sit down in his own favorite spot, plopping down in front of Law to lean against his chest. Which actually made sense, because there wasn't enough room for two people to sit side by side without risking one of them falling off the rounded lion's head and plunging into the open sea, but like this they had no problem sitting comfortably.

A lot of things about the situation seemed counterintuitive at this point. Sitting in the one place on the ship where he was most likely to fall into the ocean was something Law usually avoided, for one. Letting Luffy use him like his favorite piece of furniture was probably a bad idea, too, especially since Law was generally a lot less okay with people _touching_ him all the time. In fact getting so comfortable around the crew at all seemed dangerous and stupid from any logical standpoint.

But right now, leaning against the wooden mane of the Sunny's figurehead with Luffy's small body relaxing against his, watching the ocean split before the sailing ship and cleave into the horizon, Law just... Didn't give a shit. He didn't give a shit about anything.

It was a nice feeling.


	3. LOCUSTS, I'm telling you!

SO ABOUT THE TIMELINE. The thing is, I never knew when I wanted to set this to begin with. On the way to Dressrosa SEEMED to make sense, since it's the only time we KNOW Law is on the ship, but. I figure that's too soon because of how much they develop DURING Dressrosa, you know? And the thing is. We don't what the he'll gonna happen, do we? We're supposed to go to Zou next, but the goddamned ship took off with half the crew and they STILL have Caesar goddamned Clown with them. And who fucking knows what will happen in Zou? We don't know what Zou is. For all we know it's just LOCUSTS. Nami and everyone get there and they find Law's crew and everyone else in the country has been eaten by LOCUSTS. You can't say I'm wrong, can you? Because we just don't know!

So. That's why the timeline has been dubbed "AU/Indeterminate Post-Dressrosa Maybe." Because who knows what's even going on anymore. Locusts could always happen.

–

Zoro reclined in the bathtub, glancing over at Luffy, who was sitting on a bucket a few feet away scrubbing himself off. "Are you sure we're both gonna fit in here?" he asked critically, splashing idly at the bathwater.

"Sure," Luffy answered without looking. "Robin and Nami take baths together all the time."

"I'm a little bigger than Robin, though..."

Luffy dumped some water over his head to rinse, shaking out his hair and saying "It's fine, I was just in here like last week with Usopp, and he's got broader shoulders than you."

Zoro frowned. "What? No he doesn't. Does he?" He looked thoughtful. "I thought I was used to everything by now, but I keep forgetting how freaking big he got."

"Yeah, Usopp got super awesome," Luffy said in a way that managed to sound like he knew that would happen all along without being smug.

"I did notice that," Zoro assured. Luffy stood up, not bothering to take off his towel before stepping into the tub.

Zoro moved his legs in an attempt to accommodate him. "I guess we fit okay? But it still seems weird in this small of a tub."

His captain made himself comfortable. "Well, too bad, because I can't take baths alone in case I pass out and drown."

That... Was a legitimate concern, wasn't it? "Is that why Robin and Nami bathe together, too?"

"Yeah. It is."

"So Chopper and Brook..."

"Also never take baths by themselves. In case we die."

"How did none of this ever occur to me before?"

Luffy closed his eyes, melting into the bath in a way that didn't look particularly healthy. "Because you're gross and you only bathe once a week and thats why Sanji says you smell bad."

Zoro thought about this. "Yeah that sounds about right."

And they settled into a comfortable silence for a while.

"So," Zoro started after a while. "Trafalgar Law, huh?"

"Yeahh," Luffy slurred.

"What made you decide on that, then?"

"G'mme a shove," Luffy mumbled into the water, and Zoro obligingly kicked him upright enough to be able to pull himself out of the water, sitting on the edge of the tub and shaking his hair out with a relieved sigh. "I guess because. Well, it's the first time I've ever even, you know, _wanted _to. Like. He's the first person I've ever _wanted_."

Zoro nodded, but also made a dismissive gesture with his hand. "Yeah, I get that. What I mean is why _him_. What made you decide on your Torao specifically?"

Luffy looked thoughtful, kicking his legs in the water idly and splashing his friend in the face with the bathwater. Neither of them particularly noticed or cared. "I'm not really sure. But. I remember, earlier when I made him laugh... I thought to myself that I wanted to make him laugh all the time. That I wanted to be ABLE to make him smile, you know?" He looked up towards the ceiling, a sure sign he was lost in his thoughts now. "Just being close to him... I get all heated up, and my heart starts pounding! It's kind of like, a small feeling, but one I can feel with my whole body, just by touching him!" He said dreamily, and Zoro was fascinated to watch Luffy's entire demeanor change ever so slightly as he talked. His body language turned weirdly vulnerable, hunching his shoulders up in a way that made him look smaller, his skin heating up into a blush. Zoro mentally compared this image to the memory he had of his captain having a snot-bubble blowing contest with a five-year old. There was something about it that did not seem right.

Fuckin' _creepy. _That's what it was.

Luffy didn't notice his first mate's mild discomfort, now quite set on his train of thoughts. "I'm not naive enough to think he couldn't have had other motives for saving me back in Marineford, but. But seeing him again so randomly in Punk Hazard still made me so happy! I got a chance to thank him, and then he gave me the greatest gift ever!" He chattered excitedly.

Zoro raised an eyebrow at this. "Oh? And what gift is that?"

His captain was positively _glowing _at this point. "An excuse to pick a fight with one of the Four Emperors," he said affectionately, and Zoro's sudden bark of laughter was loud enough to echo against the tiles. "I'm serious! I wouldn't have had any reason at all to go to Dressrosa if it wasn't for Torao! I would have had no reason to go punch Doflamingo in the face, and so I wouldn't have gotten to find out how SATISFYING that is! Torao gave me an excuse to beat up another Warlord! How great is THAT?" Luffy finished, shoving off the side of the tub and sinking back into the water at the end.

Zoro was still laughing. "Of course! What better engagement present could there be than that?" He chuckled, and for a moment he and his captain just grinned at each other in the bathtub.

"Alright, I guess I get what you're saying," Zoro said as he eyed his friend one again flopping into the water bonelessly. "But you know that when you say marriage, we're talking the rest of your _lives _here. You sure you know what you're getting into?"

"it'b'fn," Luffy glubbed, and Zoro reached over to pull his head out of the water by the hair. "Thanks. And that SOUNDS like a good question, yeah, but if you think about it? How long are we ACTUALLY going to live?"

Zoro thought about that. "I'm sure not making plans for retirement," he conceded.

"Right?" Luffy pulled himself upright a bit more, panting lightly. "I know for one thing I lost ten years off my life when I had Iva-san heal me in Impel Down, and that's assuming I don't get killed first. Planning for the rest of my life is kind of dumb when I could just for the moment instead."

"Yeahhhh..." his first mate agreed. "I allways kind of planned to die gloriously in battle."

"Oh GOD yeah. You and I, we're going out in a flaming blaze of glory. Which means we'll have to have Sanji make sure everyone else gets everyone else away okay."

"He's not gonna like that," Zoro observed. And yeah, they'd all still be alive when he and the captain died- if they weren't, that meant that he and Luffy had failed to protect them, after all.

"It'll be fine, we just have to remind him that Nami and Robin and Chopper need him to protect them and he'll _have_ to go."

"That'll do it," the swordsman agreed. "And what about your Torao? Is he gonna be there with us on our way out?"

"Nah," Luffy fell back into the water a little. "I want Torao to live longer than us."

Zoro kicked up back upright. "Oh, so you can drag ME with you into hell with you, but he gets to stay behind?"

"Well yeah," Luffy said plainly. "He'll just be my husband, but you're my _nakama._ You're stuck with me FOREVER. If I want you to conquer hell with me when we get there, then you don't have a choice, because we're NAKAMA. That's just how this WORKS, Zoro."

Zoro, naturally, laughed until they both fell into the water and choked on it.

–

They were still chatting after the bath, wandering onto the deck where Sanji was leaning over the railing to have a smoke and Law was sitting on his favorite place at the base of the mast.

"Motherfucking _Crocodile_ did not save your life. That's ridiculous."

"No, I'm serious! Buggy the Clown, and half of Baroque Works all helped me directly! THAT'S how fucked up Marineford actually was. Crocodile saved my life, and Ace's."

"Jesus that's fucked up. You know what this means, don't you?"

"Yeah, I do."

"We have to break Bon Clay out of Impel Down, don't we?"

"Absolutely one hundred percent, yes. But now that I've been there once I have NO idea how."

"Well if they didn't expect you the first time, they sure as HELL won't expect you to come _back, _right?"

"Jesus CHRIST, _no._ **No one** is breaking back into Impel Down!" Law finally interjected, interrupting the two of them before they could try to hatch any hair-brained schemes to get everyone killed.

From the railing, Sanji added "Crocodile, huh? No shit?"

"No shit," Luffy confirmed.

"No shit!" Sanji said, surprised. "Anyway, Usopp's arms are too short for something I stopped listening to, he wanted you to help him hold something."

The captain nodded, dashing off. "Got it. Thanks, Sanji!"

Law watched him go out of the corner of his eye, apparently noting he and his first mate's matching damp hair. "Just come from a bath?"

Zoro looked over at him as though he was just noticing he existed for the first time, but didn't particularly care that he did. "Yeah, but I don't know what's supposed to be relaxing about me kicking him so he doesn't drown for twenty minutes," he answered boredly. He smirked a little. "Why? _Jealous?_"

Law didn't answer verbally, but something on his face must have changed, because Zoro's expression was now downright entertained. "Don't worry, it wasn't anything weird. I promise he's all yours for the rest of your lives," he said with a smirk, patting Law's shoulder with one hand. "And if you ask me, that's getting off _easy_. He just informed me he still expects me to be his first mate when we get to hell," he finished, stepping away in obvious intent to wander off.

And whatever anyone expected Law's reaction to be, it certainly wasn't what he actually said. Because before he even knew what words were going to come out of his mouth, Law was saying "Tch! After all he's already put me through, he still thinks I wouldn't follow him into hell, too?"

And Law knew he shouldn't have said that not by the look of genuine surprise on Zoro's face, but by the by the wicked grin that then took it over in a wave of _smugness. _Behind them, someone was making a sound like "Ding-dong! Ding-dong!" And before Law could ever register that it was Sanji's voice Zoro was cocking his head to the side with an exaggerated look of wonder on his face, holding his hand up to his ear.

"Oh? What's that ringing? Sounds to me like – wedding bells!" He grinned like he was so fucking funny, Sanji's voice devolving into laughter behind them.

"Oh, go_ fuck yourselves_," Law spat, storming off and resolutely ignoring the sound of the two men laughing behind him.

–


	4. Sex is for people who like sex

Sometime after dinner, presumably after he had finished the dishes, Sanji invited Law out to the deck. "Come with me while I smoke," the chef had said, looking Law in the eye and using a tone that expressed it was less an invitation than the opening of a discussion.

Wary, the surgeon decided he had no real choice but to follow.

"So there's something no one's told you yet," Sanji said once they got to an unoccupied area of the deck, and the dread that welled up Law's heart was unlike any in this world.

"I'm not going to like this, am I?"

"I don't believe you will," Sanji sympathized, pulling a cigarette out and lighting it. "But the thing is, as much as I don't wanna have this conversation," he took a drag of the lit cig. "If it was me in your shoes? I'd want someone to tell me. Like. Right away. This is something relevant to your current situation, and it is an observation that makes everything about it weirder and worse."

Law took off his hat, running a tired hand through his hair. "What. What are you going to say that is going to make being forcibly courted by your captain weirder and worse?"

Sanji looked uncomfortable. "Well. The thing is. How do I put this," he scratched at his chin. "We're... We're on a really small boat, right? And the last one we had before this was even smaller," he began. "And when you've got a certain number of people on a very small boat, you learn things about each other you maybe didn't wanna know. You see things that, in the outside world, people would rather keep private. These things happen, and you get used to them, and you pretend they don't happen, right? But you still see them, like. All the time."

The surgeon frowned. "And the thing you have accidentally learned or saw..?"

"It's more like. A LACK of seeing anything. The thing is," the chef fiddled with his cigarette, passing it between his fingers absently. He sucked in a breath, and the next words were spat out in a rush. "So we've been all been walked in on while jerking off, right? Even Nami was once in the bath and Chopper came in, and thank god it was him or we'd be short a crew member for it. But," he scratched at his beard some more, looking anywhere but Law. "But uh... At one point we actually stopped to talk about it, between all of us, and... No one's ever seen or heard Luffy."

Law blinked. "Wait. Are you saying..."

Sanji nodded. "Luffy just doesn't masturbate. He's never looked at anyone before, or said anything even remotely sexual, or. Anything. He just _doesn't_. Doesn't _anything_."

"He's asexual," Law stated, a little dumbfounded, but completely and depressingly_ not surprised_.

"If that is a thing a person can be then Luffy is it, yes," Sanji confirmed.

And there was really nothing else to say that. They just stood there on the deck, looking out over the rail in silence.

"Oh, what the FUCK. Seriously?! SERIOSULY?!" Law felt like tearing out his hair. "This isn't even FAIR anymore! I'm not- I'm not NEVER having sex again, god damn it! I may not need to get laid a lot, but EVER AGAIN IN MY LIFE is- Fucking- what the FUCK?"

Sanji laid a sympathetic hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry, man. I don't know what to tell you."

Trafalgar's face was currently buried into his hands so he could muffle his screams. "I can't. I have to get off this ship. I have to leave and never look back before I go insane and kill myself."

"I understand." the chef said, patting his shoulder awkwardly. "Do you want me to steal Zoro's good sake for you?"

"For the love of god, yes please." Law mumbled from his palms, where he was still trying to smother himself.

–

This was the worst thing ever. This was fucking _torture_, is what it was, and it just wasn't FAIR anymore. What had Law done to deserve this kind of life, exactly? Why did the gods see fit to make him suffer so?

It was probably around one in the morning right now, and the ship was completely quiet and still. Everyone was in bed, including Law himself, laying on his back in the single bed of the infirmary, staring up at the ceiling and cursing his life.

And on top of him was Luffy, draped over Law's body like a rubber blanket, arms wrapped around him and face pressed into Law's neck, breathing hotly and steadily into his ear.

Law had already tried moving. Earlier in the night, Luffy had announced it was bedtime and dragged Law to one of the men's quarter bunks, pushing him down in it and passing out on top of him. Naturally, within five minutes of Luffy falling asleep Law had gotten up and moved to the deck, only for Luffy to shuffle sleepily after him not thirty seconds later and once again drape himself over the doctor.

Law had given it about twenty minutes this time, just to make sure Luffy was definitely asleep, unwrapped the other captain from around his waist and slunk into the empty infirmary. Luffy had found him within five minutes and, still clearly mostly asleep, silently taken off his pants and fallen down into the bed on top of Law.

Law wasn't sure how long ago that had been. But right now, he was sure of one thing, at least – he really should not have taken his own shirt off when he noticed how hot Chopper's little lab was. Also, Monkey D Luffy was the DEVIL.

A Devil who currently had his bare chest pressed against Law's and one naked thigh wedged between Law's legs. Fucking god-awful accidentally sexy demon that would just cling tighter any time Law tried to put any distance between their bodies. Luffy was the worst. Law's life was the WORST.

How had it even ended up like this? Law distinctly remembered being annoyed and genuinely physically uncomfortable by Luffy's closeness. How had this even devolved into a boner? This was so _stupid_.

Actually, no. He knew how this had happened. This was fucking Blackleg's fault for bringing up sex in the first place. That hadn't even crossed Law's mind on his own – but the chef suddenly says "oh by the way sex is _not a thing Luffy does_" and all Law can think about is what a _waste_ that is, which is. Ridiculous. Law barely even likes sex himself, who is he to say that?

It was true that he'd had his share of fun sleeping with whoever wanted him (which, it turned out, was more people than Law had expected), but that had been more of a phase than actual desire. The freedom of his first weeks with his own ship had proved too tempting and Trafalgar had reveled in the pirate life for a while, just like any other rebelling teenager with their first tastes of freedom. He didn't regret those days but he also felt no desire to relive them – apparently spending a short amount of time bed hopping was just a part of the growing up process for some people, and he had been one of them. He hadn't really bothered to have sex pretty much at all since then; there just seemed like better ways to use his time and energy.

Which really made this whole thing that much stupider. Law barely ever thought about sex, and Luffy obviously never thought about it at all, so _why was having sex with Luffy all Law could think about right now? _

And Law definitely WAS thinking about that. Because. The thing was. The thing was, you see. With Luffy's Devil Fruit power, it really DID seem like such a _waste_. With that body, the things Law could do to him? Bend him any way, fuck him any way, all night long without hurting Luffy at all. He could be spread open, bent in half, fucked all night, and literally bounce back cheerfully. And he'd be _fun_, too – bold and curious, and a partner who could laugh while having sex was kind of a turn on itself, wasn't it?

Above him, Luffy shifted in his sleep, straightening his spine a bit and stretching the leg slung over Law's torso out until he kicked the surgeon's right hand. Without thinking about it, Law moved, shifting his forearm out of the way of Luffy's leg and putting it back down with his hand on top of the other captain's calf. Which. In hindsight, might not have been the best place to put his hand.

Luffy's skin wasn't soft. Nothing about Luffy was soft, actually. His body was hard cords of muscle compact into a tiny frame, and even his hair was coarser than it looked now that some of it was stuffed into Law's nose. But it was _smooth_. His entire body was perfectly hairless, and Law could feel the blemishes of old scars too thin to see with the pads of his fingers as they trailed up and down the thin leg because _apparently _Law had started moving his hand. Whoops.

He didn't bother to stop, though. His hand ran lightly up and down the length of Luffy's leg from his calf, around the bend of his knee and up onto the thigh, changing course to move back south just as his fingers reached the border of his boxers, never bringing his hand high enough to brush against the garment. The gesture was oddly relaxing, especially considering he was still stupid horny with one skinny knee putting pressure on the front of his jeans in a distracting way.

Eventually Law noticed himself zoning out sleepily, and was instantly relieved at his own tiredness. He really was ready to just fucking go to sleep already, today had been. Today had been a little more than Law was prepared to handle as a person.

But then Luffy moved again. With a pleased-sounding sigh, Luffy unwrapped himself from Law a little bit, stretching out and shifting his body downward, resettling on top of Law with his head resting against Law's once-again rapidly-beating heart. This wasn't the problem. The problem was that when he resettled Law's hand had still been near the top of his thigh, and now it was. _A bit higher_.

Law's hand had ended up halfway up the leg of Luffy's boxers and the tops of his fingers were definitely touching Luffy's ass right now. Law looked down at Luffy's face, still dead asleep but with a small smile across his face and... And he had not been flushed red before Law had started stroking his leg, had he? No. He hadn't. Law was sure of this because earlier he had certainly not _also _felt what was most probably the beginning of a hard-on against his own thigh.

Okay, this had crossed the line from a little bit creepy to straight up molest-y, hadn't it?

Law sat up like a shot, instantly shoving Luffy off of the bed and onto the floor. He grabbed the blanket from underneath him and wrapped it around himself, dropping back onto the bed curled up on his side, facing the wall.

"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fucking. FUCK."

It took him another hour to fall asleep, chanting curses into his pillow the entire time.

–

"You look cheerful, Luffy. Did you sleep well?" Nami observed at breakfast, slipping the sausages and bacon she was too full for onto his plate like it was routine.

Their captain did indeed appear to be glowing, his eyes sparkling and smile beaming. "Yep!" He confirmed brightly, rocking his chair back to balance on it's back legs as he leaned his weight forward to compensate. "I don't remember what it was, but I know I had a really great dream last night!"

And in the seat directly next to him, Law, who seemed to have gotten about an hour and a half of sleep if his face was anything to go by, scowled like Luffy was the worst thing to ever happen to him. Which, to be fair, he might actually be. And suddenly Law's leg shot out to kick the back of Luffy's chair, toppling him over almost instantly, landing the Strawhat bouncing off the floor and slamming into the wall behind them, one leg flailing out to smack Law in the head on the way to the ground and the other hitting the bottom of the table hard enough to knock over half the glasses on the tabletop.

Nami took another sip of her coffee. Today, she decided, was going to be a good day.


End file.
